The Working Mom Guilt

Surhan Aijaz.

8.45 am.

Alarm rings.

I hurriedly hit snooze so as not to wake the baby up and hope to sneak in extra 5 minutes of sleep before I have to get up for work. Nayel was upset all night, kept feeding for comfort and finally fell asleep by my side in the early hours of daylight. The thought of going to work with almost no sleep is exhausting, yet I quickly drift into a deep slumber.

But then, the alarm rings.

The extra five minutes are spent thinking what if I call in sick? My mind is sifting through today’s calendar, appointments, to-do lists,s and meetings that have been scheduled weeks in advance.

Reluctantly, I slowly get up and as soon as my feet touch the ground, my 13 months old toddler wakes up.

When I turn to look at him, he has a wide grin on his face with his arms stretched out towards me; a signal to pick him up. I scoop him in my arms and kiss him good morning.

As soon as I step out of the room ready for heading off to work, Nayel sees me from across the living room and runs with his small baby steps at full speed towards me. He knows that his mama like every other morning is going to leave him for hours at stretch and clings to my leg while crying and screaming.

My heart breaks into million pieces, exactly like it did yesterday, and the days before that. And once again, the mom’s guilt kicks in.

The guilt that I, like millions of other working moms am not doing enough for my baby. That I am not a good mother or a good employee; that both are mutually exclusive and I can’t be good at one thing without having to forgo the other.

According to reports, women’s participation in the labor force is 22% in 2020 for Pakistan which is well below international standards. This is influenced by our cultural norms where a woman’s main role is defined as a homemaker. The women who step out to work are either looked down upon or are expected to perform the role of both a homemaker and a working woman. Hence, when women choose to work, they are subconsciously trained to feel guilty for leaving their children behind with a caretaker or other members of the family. This, in turn, affects their decision to work, and the majority of the women cave in front of family pressure and as a result quit their jobs.

The guilt of a working mom never decreases, in fact, it keeps increasing with every step the baby takes when you’re at work, every new word he utters in your absence, every laughter, every sob, every wound he suffers exploring new things and every time he refuses to take a bite from your hands because his caretaker knows what he prefers to eat and when.

It is easy to judge working moms left, right and center every time they miss their child’s milestones. But there’s something else they miss out on that they never admit; the after-work drinks plan with their co-workers, the weekend gatherings at their colleague’s house, or the game nights with other couples because they’re trying to spend as much time as they can with their bubs.

After all, motherhood is all about sacrifice, right?

The constant feeling of having to look over our shoulders, be it at work or at home so we don’t make any mistakes that result in an adverse performance evaluation or dissatisfaction among family is a huge burden that we carry with us every day.

Hence, to every working mom out there, I want to reiterate that you’re doing great. Whether you have hired full-time help for your baby while you work on your ambitions, or extended your leave so you can spend time with your little bundle of joy, opted for a post that is not as rewarding for your career but gives you an opportunity to make time for your bub or quit work altogether; you know what is best for your family and your child is lucky to have you as his mama.